Learn to trust yourself

Peter Bregman, a management consultant, was preparing a speech recently, when he came to a realization about himself. It applies to any kind of writing.

Each time I created a new version, I sent it out to trusted friends — smart, generous, insightful people — and asked for their advice and direction. Was it interesting enough? Clear enough? Creative enough? Funny enough?

Yet each time they came back with their valuable, thoughtful feedback, I became a little more lost. A little less sure of my message. My ideas. Myself.

He was too quick too eager to accept changes, too eager to please.

Many of us have spent our lives listening to our parents, our teachers, our managers, and our leaders. Choosing what we are told to choose. Being told gently who we are. Molding ourselves to the feedback of others. Seeking approval. Reaching for recognition.

There is good reason to learn from the wisdom of others. But there is also a cost: as we shape ourselves to the desires, preferences, and expectations of others, we risk losing ourselves. We can become frozen without their direction, unable to make our own choices, lacking trust in our own insights.

Just stop asking other people for their opinions!

Instead, take the time, and the quiet, to decide what you think. That is how we find the part of ourselves we gave up. That is how we become powerful, clever, creative, and insightful. That is how we gain our sight. 

It allowed him to focus on what he alone could offer. And he saw that he was relying on others to do his work for him.

Once I decided to stop asking others what they thought about what I thought, I noticed something interesting: I try harder when I'm not relying on others. I fix things I might otherwise leave for others to fix. I work more diligently to ensure my perspective holds together.

In the past, when I sent someone an article for comments, knowing it needed some work, I was being lazy. And my laziness, enabled by the generosity of others, had the side effect of reducing my faith in my abilities to work through the places I got stuck.

Bregman doesn't make the final point, but I will: he's just as smart and capable, if not more so, than those whose advice he sought. So are you.