And the wiener is ...

Eyelash mite.

The winner of the 2012 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, for the worst sentence in fiction, is Cathy Bryant of Manchester, England.

Here prize-winning entry:

As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.

And the Grand Panjandrum’s Special Award goes to Greg Homer of Placerville, CA.

The stifling atmosphere inside the Pink Dolphin Bar in the upper Amazon Basin carried barely enough oxygen for a man to survive – humid and thick the air was and full of little flying bugs, making the simple act of breathing like trying to suck hot Campbell’s Bean with Bacon soup through a paper straw.

Nice work, girls.

Make writer's block work for you

"Writer’s block is a tool — use it. When asked why you haven’t produced anything lately, just say, “I’m blocked.” Since most people think that writing is some mystical process where characters “talk to you” and you can hear their voices in your head, being blocked is the perfect cover for when you just don’t feel like working. The gods of creativity bless you, they forsake you, it’s out of your hands and whatnot. Writer’s block is like “We couldn’t get a baby sitter” or “I ate some bad shrimp,” an excuse that always gets you a pass. The electric company nagging you for money, your cell provider harassing you, whatever — just say, “I’m blocked,” and you’re off the hook. 

"But don’t overdo it. In the same way the baby-sitter bit loses credibility when your kids are in grad school, there’s an expiration date. After 20 years, you might want to mix it up. Throw in an Ellisonian “My house caught fire and burned up my opus.” The specifics don’t matter — the important thing is to figure out what works for you."

-- Colson Whitehead

Nation's poets issue statement

84 Percent Of Poets Said, ‘The Shimmering Moon Is On Nigh, And The Dance, The Dance Will Be A Luminous Bright!’

What's your time?

(Thanks, Thomas)

How to understand the press

Here's how to keep all that political news in perspective...

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times . They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated..

8. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

9. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch is read by people who want only the score of the Cardinals game. They drink Budweiser, Budweiser, and wait a minute -- what was the question?

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

13. The Dallas Morning News is read because Texans need something to set their guns on when cleaning them.

(Thanks, Lainey)

Everyday expressions

(Thanks, Lainey)

Proofreeder available

Click to enlarge

The evolving magazine business model

CVS Now Selling Cheaper, CVS-Brand 'People' Magazine

WOONSOCKET, RI—In an effort to provide a budget-conscious equivalent to People magazine, CVS drugstores nationwide began selling the store-brand CVS Celebrity Magazine on Wednesday. "We think our publication is comparable in quality to the big name-brand magazines, but with an obvious cost-savings advantage," said night pharmacist and editor-in-chief Marvin Kuppering, showing reporters a grainy photo of Angelina Jolie's elbow that will appear in next week's Beach Bodies section. "Whether you want to read about Michael Chiklis' trip to Nevada to visit his aunt, or see who won our annual 'Handsomest Fellow in the World' award, CVS Celebrity Magazine has it all." Kuppering went on to hint at an upcoming exclusive lid-blower concerning Tom Arnold and the Los Angeles Parking Violations Bureau

More words for writers

abderian           Given to incessant or idiotic laughter
abecedarian      A person who is learning the alphabet
cruciverbalist   One who loves doing crossword puzzles
hamartithia      Being likely to make a mistake
quidnunc         One who always wants to know what is going on
mulligrubs      A state of depression or low spirits

Words for writers

lethologica The inability to recall a precise word for something
mytacism The incorrect or excessive use of the letter M
polyphloisboian Making a lot of noise or loud racket
skoptsy The act of self castration
tetrapyloctomy The act of splitting a hair four ways
witzelsucht A feeble attempt at humour
philosophunculist One who pretends to know more than they do to impress others

We will always have magazines

Our media landscape is constantly changing, and in response publishers are finding new uses for their magazines.




(Presurfer)